My new found word!!
The time is getting closer and closer, 49 days to be exact and boy the jitters are kicking in. The self-doubt as to whether or not I’m going to make it when I arrive. Not doing the entire Camino, but for someone that has had a sedentary lifestyle, it makes you wonder, right? I tell those that say that I WON’T make it, that if I can’t walk anymore then I will take a bus, a train, a taxi…but in reality I DON’T want to do that. I tell myself the Camino will Provide.
Other things invade my mind and my heart…with the “short” days I am going to walk, will I experience any “Magic” on the Camino, will I find the clarity I am searching for? I’ve tried to do more of the meditation, yoga, anything that will help me begin the journey to the Camino with an open heart and an open mind. I don’t want to arrive with certain expectations only to be disappointed if this or that doesn’t even happen to me. I have faith, or maybe I really don’t, in search for that too, I know that I am looking for deeper meaning in my life, my life’s calling. But what do I really believe in? What’s my purpose? Why can’t I be disciplined on anything, whether it’s meditating every day, writing on my journal every day, going to yoga classes consistently… my body is changing, I can feel it, pain coming on like a tsunami, without injury, but, I don’t have time for pain, I don’t like how I look, I don’t like what I’m feeling.
I will go on my Camino and just hope that SOMETHING happens and changes the way I see myself and I see life!!! That’s my intention.
Something inside has been yearning for change, it feels like I’m running out of time, I don’t know for what, but that’s what I feel. I have a need to understand what is holding me back from finding my true self!! Have you ever felt this way? If so, can you share your story?